总是有些时候莫名其妙的不开心，心情不佳的时候就会办什么都不在状态，你会这样么?这里小编收集整理了超级搞笑英语笑话带翻译，让你的心情速速好起来。
In the veterinary office where I’m a technician, we mail out reminders when pets are due for vaccinations. Bruno, a German shepherd, arrived for his annual shot, and we were required by state law to ask his owner if Bruno had bitten anyone in the last ten days. "Oh yes , in fact that’s why we' re here，”she replied. Surprised, I told her we assumed they'd come in because of our reminder.
我是一家兽医站的技师。当动物到了该注射疫苗的时候，我们就寄出提醒信。一条德国牧羊犬布鲁诺来做每年一次的狂犬疫苗注射。依照州立法律的要求，我们问他的主人，在过去的十天里布鲁诺是否咬了什么人。“噢，是的，实际上这也是我们到这里来的原因。”她回答说。我觉得奇怪，告诉她我们以为他们是因为收到了提醒信才来的。
"We did,” she explained. "Bruno bit the mail carrier who was delivering your card.”
“的确如此，”她解释说。“布鲁诺咬了你们送提醒信的邮递员。”
ohn is not a "good" student. He always sleeps in the class. Today he sleeps again.
约翰并不是个“好”学生。他总是在上课的时候睡觉。今天他又睡着了。
“John!” Teacher says angrily.
“约翰!”老师生气地喊他。
“What? What’s wrong?” John is awaken.
“什么?出什么事了?”约翰醒了。
“Why do you make a face? It’s classroom. Look! Everyone is laughing.” Teacher says.
“你为什么要做鬼脸?这是教室!看看!同学们都在笑!”老师生气地说。
“No one is laughing.” Other students whisper.
“没有人在笑呀。”其他同学小声地嘀咕。
“No, it’s not me. I was not making a face. I was sleeping.” John fells upset.
“不，不是我。我没有做鬼脸。刚才我睡着了。”约翰感到不安。
“Um. Not bad. You can admit your fault. You are still a good boy.” Teacher is satisfiedwith it.
“嗯，还不错。你承认自己的错误，还是个好孩子。”老师为此感到满意。
"This house,”said the real-estate salesman, "has both its good points and its bad point. To show you I' m honest, I'm going to tell yon about the disadvantages一there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse one block north.”
“这幢房子，”房地产推销商说，“既有优点也有缺点。为了说明我是诚实的，我将告诉你们它的缺点是—在南面隔一个街区的地方有一家化工厂，在北面隔一个街区的地方有一家屠宰场。”
"What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer.
“那么长处呢?”欲购房的人问道。
"The good thing about it,” said the a-gent, "is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing.”
“它的好处，”代理人说道，“就是，你总能分辨风是从哪边吹过来的。”
A man was hit by a cab in the street. He was brought to the hospital. His wife who was standing up by his bed, said to the doctor: "I think that he is very ill."
"I am afraid that he is dead." said the doctor.
Hearing this, the man moved his head and said: "I'm not dead. I'm still alive."
"Be quiet, " said the wife. "the doctor knows better than you!"
一个男人在街上被出租车撞倒送进了医院。他的妻子站在他的床前对医生说：“我想他伤得很厉害。”
医生说：“恐怕他已经死了。”
听到医生的.话，这个男人转动着头说：“我没死，我还活着。”
妻子说：“安静，医生比你懂得多。”
I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges， and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of yellow paper?"
我在惠普公司打印机部做技术支持工作已经有一个月了，有一天我接到一位客户的电话，她的问题我没办法解决。她的问题是：打印机不能打出来黄色，但是其它颜色都正常。这让我觉得很纳闷，因为三原色就是蓝、红、黄。我建议客户更换墨盒、删了驱动程序然后重新安装，但是都没有效果。我咨询同事们，他们也不知道该怎么办。经过两个多小时的交涉，我打算让客户把打印机寄给我们，这时候她平静地说了一句：“我是不是应该把这张黄纸扔了换一张白纸再打印试试。”
One Point
Hanging in the hallway at Whites High School in Wabash, Ind., and the basketball team pictures from the past 40 years. A player in the center of the front row in each picture holds a basketball identifying the year －"62-63", "63-64", "64-65", etc.
One day I spotted a freshman looking curiously at the photos. Turning to me, he said, "Isn't it strange how the teams always lost by one point?"
一分之差
位于印第安那州瓦巴西的怀兹中学，其门厅里悬挂着过去四十年间样篮球队的照片。每幅照片前排中间的队员举着一个篮球，上面标明年份－“62-63”，“63-64”，“64-65”等等。
一天，我看到一个新生很困惑地看着照片。他朝我转过身来，说道：“多奇怪呀，这些队都是以一分之差输掉的！"
An old lady who was very deaf and who thought everything too dear, went into a shop and asked the shopman: "How much this stuff?"
一位耳聋并且总是嫌东西太贵的老太太走进一家商店。 她问店员：“这东西要多少钱？”
"Seven dollars, Madam, it is very cheap." The lady said, "It is too much, give it to me for fourteen." "I did not say seventeen dollars, but seven."
“七美元，太太，这是很便宜的。” 老太太说：“太贵了，十四美元差不多。” 店员忙说：“我没说十七美元，是七美元。”
"It is still too much," replied the old lady, "give it to me for five."
“还是太贵，”老太太说：“五美元，我就买啦。”
昂贵的代价
Dentist: I'm sorry, madam, but I'll have to charge you twenty-five dollars for pulling your son's tooth.
Mother: Twenty-five dollars! But I thought you only charged five dollars for an extraction.
Dentist: I usually do. But your son yelled so loud, he scared four other patients out of the office.
牙科医生：对不起，夫人，为给您的儿子拔牙，我得收二十五美元。
母亲：二十五美元!可是我知道您拔一颗牙只要五美元呀?
牙科医生：是的。但是您儿子这么大声地叫唤，他都吓跑四位病人了
我没有睡着
When a group of women got on the car, every seat was already occupied. The conductor noticed a man who seemed to be asleep, and fearing he might miss his stop, he nudged him and said: "Wake up, sir!"
"I wasn't asleep," the man answered.
"Not asleep? But you had your eyes closed."
"I know. I just hate to look at ladies standing up beside me in a crowded car."
当一群妇女上车之后，车上的座位全都被占满了。售票员注意到一名男子好象是睡着了，他担心这个人会坐过站，就用肘轻轻地碰了碰他，说：“先生，醒醒!”
“我没有睡着。”那个男人回答。
“没睡着?可是你眼睛都闭上了呀?”
“我知道，我只是不愿意看到在拥挤的车上有女士站在我身边而已。”
可怜的丈夫
"You can't imagine how difficult it is for me to deal with my wife," the man complained to his friend. "She asks me a question, then answers it herself, and after that she explained to me for half an hour why my answer is wrong.
“你根本无法想象和我妻子打交道是多么的难，”一个男人对他的朋友诉苦说，“她问我一个问题，然后自己回答了，过后又花半个小时跟我解释为什么我的答案是错的。”
谁更有礼貌?
A fat man and a skinny man were arguing about who was the more polite. The skinny man said he was more polite because he always tipped his hat to ladies. But the fat man knew he was more courteous because, whenever he got up and offered his seat, two ladies could sit down.
一个胖子和一个瘦子在争论谁更有礼貌。瘦子说他更有礼貌，因为他经常对女士摘帽示意。但是胖子认为他更有风度，因为无论什么时候他在车上给别人让座时，总有两位女士能坐下。
律师、宝马和胳膊
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
一个律师打开他的宝马车门，突然一辆汽车驶过来把门撞飞了，警察赶到现场，律师正痛苦地抱怨毁坏了他心爱的宝马。
“警察同志，看看他们把我的车弄的!!!”律师哀怨地说。
“你们律师真是物质至上，我很不舒服!”警察反驳说，“你这么关心你可恶的宝马，你可能没有注意到你的左胳膊也没了。”
律师终于注意到了血淋淋的左肩膀，“天哪，我的劳力士手表在哪儿?”
狗住旅店
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."
一个人给一家他计划在假期里停留的小旅馆写了封信，“我非常希望带着我的狗，它很干净很有教养，你能允许它和我睡一间屋子吗?”
旅馆主人立即回了封信，“我经营旅馆很多年了，狗从没偷过毛巾，床单， 餐具，或者墙上的画。我也从没有在半夜因为狗喝醉胡闹而赶走它，狗也从不不付帐就跑掉。实际上我们非常欢迎您的狗来我们旅馆，如果它为您担保，也欢迎您来。
A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson on logic.
小学四年级的教师正在给学生们上一堂逻辑课。
"Here is the situation," she said. "a man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows that he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"
她举了这么一个例子：“有这样一种情况，一个男人在河中心的船上钓鱼，突然失去重心掉进了水里。于是他开始挣扎并喊救命。他的妻子听到了他的喊声，知道他并不会游泳，所以她就急忙跑向河岸。谁能告诉我这是为什么？”
A girl raised her hand and asked, "to draw out all of his savings?"
一个女生举手答道，“是不是去取他的存款？”
Tips: bank在英语中除了我们平时很熟悉的“银行”之外，还有“河岸”的意思。